“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go, because, man, they’re gone.”
“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.”
“Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.”
“One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.”
“I think in one of my past lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.”
“I think a good product would be ‘Baby Duck Hat.’ It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a real baby duck, and you show it to your hat, and it says, ‘Quack!’ And you say, ‘Quack!’ And the real baby duck goes, ‘Quack!’ And you say, ‘Hey, cool, I’m talking to a duck!'”
“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.'”
“Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?”
“If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.”
“If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
“Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.”
“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.”
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
“I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”
“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
“If you ever fall off of the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, ‘God is crying.’ If he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’”
“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says, ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forgot what kind it was—and drive and drive. I think it was a Buick. Or maybe a Ford. It could’ve been a Buick. Okay, now I remember, it was a Buick.”
“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: ‘mankind.’ Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—‘mank’ and ‘ind.’ What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.”
“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he’s secretly a werewolf.”
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go, because, man, they’re gone.”
“I hope that after I die, people will say of me, ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'”
“If you’re ever stuck in some vast abyss, all by yourself, with no hope of escape, just remember, you’re probably not alone.”
“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”
“Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon, and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next thing you do, of course, is attack him with a crucifix. If he screams and tries to bite you, you can assume he’s a vampire.”
“If I had a time machine, I’d go back to the 1970s and punch myself in the face.”
“One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.”
“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”
“If they ever have a World’s Most Cruelest Guy contest, I think I’d like to be the guy that comes up behind the winner and says, ‘You’re a loser.’”
“The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.'”
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
“If they ever do my life story, whoever plays me better be ready for the scene where I burst into flames.”
“If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.”
Goodbye!
